Top that!

This is one of the most awesomely bad movies I’ve seen in a long time!

Teen Witch was made in 1989 and features a killer soundtrack including the smash hits “Popular Girl” and “I Like Boys”.

Louise is just your typical American relatively intelligent high school student. She only has one other friend and a major crush on THE MOST POPULAR BOY IN SCHOOL.

I’ll stop here and let you guess the rest of the story…

Got it yet?


One day, as she’s riding on her bike at 11 o’clock at night for some reason, she almost gets hit by TMPBIS (The Most Popular Boy in School) who was distracted by his Most Popular Girl in School girlfriend who was trying to make out with him as he drove. He pulls over and appears very concerned about Louise while TMPGIS (the Most Popular Girl in School) tells him to come back to the car. They leave of course and Louise realises that she has a flat tyre and winds up at Madame Serena’s (the local fortune teller’s. Just a question, why are there so many fortune tellers in America? They seem to be everywhere!) asking to borrow her phone. Madame Serena tells Louise (surprise surprise) that she is going to be a witch on her 16th birthday…which just happens to be next week.

So, Louise turns 16, randomly finds a magic necklace in the Drama classroom that apparently belonged to her in a past life. And then starts casting spells to publicly humiliate her English teacher (who hates her for no apparent reason. She is the smartest in the class and he seems to hate her more than all the other kids in the class who don’t actually try). She also makes her friend ‘hip’ by helping her have a ‘rap off’ with the boy she likes. This is a scene that everyone MUST watch. It is actually amazing. The lyrics are:

Him: I’m King, and they know it
When I snap my fingers everybody says show it
I’m hot
and your not
But if you wanna hang with me I’ll give it one shot
Top that, top that
You can give all that you can, but you will never top that!
You can dream until you’re blue but you can never top that
huh huh
I’m hot
and your not
But if you wanna hang with me I’ll give it one shot
Top that, top that
You can do all that you can but you’ll never top that, top that

Her: Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and top that
Such a waste of pretty face but hanging in your no-one’s face
I wish that you would take a look and really stop that
Top that, stop that
I don’t really give a about tryin to top that
Top that, stop that
I wish you finally take a real look and really stop that
Whats this, stop that
What gives, stop that
I don’t really give a about tryin to top that
top that, big deal
top that, unreal
you can try until you’re blue
I will make a fool of you

But being able to use her fellow students and teachers as puppets is not enough for Louise! She wants to be THE MOST POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL. After they consult a spell book that appears to be from the 13th century and read about Marilyn Munroe’s prettiness and popularity (???) Louise and Madame Serena (her witch mentor) cast the super difficult spell (which involves Louise waltzing backstage to grab some famous singers jacket).

So she’s popular everyone loves her. Her friend gets pushed out of the picture becasue she’s still un-hip. TMPBIS falls in love with Louise.h They make out. He takes her to the Prom. She wants him to love her for who she is. She gives up being a witch. He still loves her. They make out again. Her friend and the rap guy dance together at the prom.

The end.


About blairelizabeth

aspiring designer, lover of words, music junkie
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