I hate parties. Well, I at least hate parties for myself. Last night was my 18th birthday party. At the beginning, I was stressed and nervous. What if the music didn’t work? What if no-one came? etc etc. One of the main things that I was stressed about was the fact that not many people were coming. I have some friends that invited over a hundred people to their parties. I only had 77 and only about 50 made it. It made me feel as if I had no friends. When people did start coming, my anxiety was relieved…a little. I started to worry that everyone thought it was boring. Probably the best part of the party was when a lot of people were dancing. This didn’t last that long. Most people just sat and talked. At about 9:30 I started to wish that I was at home in my bed, with my well-read ‘Pride and Prejudice’. If I was there I wouldn’t have to worry about who came to the party and who was enjoying themselves. I didn’t even have to worry about Elizabeth Bennet’s chances of marrying well. I could enjoy Mr Darcy’s first conceited proposal because I knew that it would all end well. At about 10:00 I was asked if I was enjoying my party by a fellow YITSer and I came to the realization that I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to go home. 10:30 was the worst part of the night. Almost everybody left. There were only a few YITSers there just talking. Some people didn’t even say goodbye. It was if they were at the party because they were obligated. I felt like the biggest loser. At eleven I decided that it was time to wind it up. I didn’t want to be there. It was so humiliating. I am an introvert through and through. I don’t like parties and I will never have a million friends. At first this hurt. A lot. There are so many things that have been slapping me in the face lately. The party, YITS, the ‘storming’ phase and my incapability to get of my butt and do something. I know that my problems with myself [whether I am good enough, whether I am part of the group, whether I am boring or not etc] has to have been derived from experiences that I’ve had. I’ve never felt as if I have truly fit it, or whether I was worth being friends with. But the main effect of these experiences have come from my own thinking and how I interpret them. Maybe I am a little paranoid. More later…
my name is blairmusic. art. reading. movies. design. follower of Jesus. floral tights. the 80s. doc martens. fineliners. helvetica. melancholy.